"Us" Out of the Shadows

Read the latest version of this blog @ https://medium.com/@aeswrites/us-out-of-the-shadows-2526ff5c15dd

The night before my 40th Birthday, one of my best friends took me to see Jordan Peeles’ “Us.” We went to the late showing. 9:55pm. When I got out the movie, I was officially 4 decades!

I watched Jordan Peeles’ “Us.” It is a magnificent horror movie, but what stroke me most was how we leave behind our shadow self or our darkness. He makes this visceral analogy behind the parts of us that we show the light of the day and the parts we confine to the deepest, darkest places, our shadow self. When I got home, for my 39th gift to myself, I reclaimed the last part of myself which I had tossed away 36 years ago, the shadow self that carried the pain of sexual trauma and allowed me to go on as whole as possible.

Then, I became a whole person. As a sexual abuse survivor, I left parts of my self behind a long time ago. I split off at 4. There was a sliver of my soul crying out inside of me for the past 36 years, an abandoned and broken girl. I was so broken.

Because she was separated for soooo long in the dark, she lost her mind as we saw young shadow Adelaide had. She would literally come out when I was too uninhibited and want to cause harm to everything. She wanted to burn the world in her pain. She was the chaos of abuse, the remnants of pain I could not face. As the years grew, I healed more, and she seemed to become more deranged. I reunited with all the fragments parts of myself except her.

After watching "Us," I decided I did not want to leave any part of myself behind. If she had sacrificed to save us, she deserved to live in the light of the sun too.

So, when I got home, the night of my 40th birthday, I went into that cage, called her by her whole name saying, “Amanda Emily Smith, Pumpkin, come out! You are strong enough to heal.” Then, together we healed our wounded psyche. I was still scared. I have not been a whole human in 36 years. I am just a whole woman now. The Amanda who went to Us is not the Amanda that woke up the next morning.

For my 40th gift to myself, I saw myself as a whole person for the first time in since I was 4. First, I was astonished. Then, I laughed.

When I went to AA a long time ago, I realized I was not an alcoholic, but I gleaned a lot of knowledge. As they said, “God protects alcoholics and fools.” I was definitely the latter. Thank God for protecting my foolish behind.

Now, that I have worked to finally reclaim my whole self (Yes Lawd), I can finally live my whole and best life in the blessed sunlight and through the kiss of night.

Image: Main Character of "Us", Adelaide with the Mask