On Re/Birth ~ From Flower to Flower

I am birthing this blog where my life was reborn, when I became the Mom of Elyse. On March 22, 2012, my 33rd birthday (the start of my Jesus year), I discovered I was pregnant. I didn’t ever think that was a possibility for me. I had lived a wild and free life, I had one miscarriage (Thank you Asha for coming to me), but I did not imagine I would become pregnant again. I told her sperm contributor and girlfriend at the time, X.

Before I met X, I was talking to my previous girlfriend. We could not have kids on our own. For 2 years, I told her that if I wasn’t pregnant by 33, we were going to have this big lesbian insemination party on my 33rd birthday, so that we can have a kid. G and I broke up. It was me. I fracked up. I got with X and she I had the parts to make more flowers. I thank her for joining with me in this blessed sacrament of flowering life. Me carpel broken tiger eye corpus, her clouded citrine stamen, we got together and created the most beautiful flower I have ever seen.

X withdrew from us more and more until I had to end our relationship in the middle of my pregnancy. I had chosen Elyse, but X chose a different path.

When I realized I was pregnant, I knew it was a gift from the Divine. A Gift!

But I felt so betrayed by X. Here we had just planted this beautiful flower together in my garden, and she was pulling away. She was dealing with torment that I never had, but I was throwing up all day and having migraines DAILY. I could not understand the hell she was in nor her me, but we could have held each other through it. That is what I wanted. As a pregnant woman committed to my seed, I could not make any time to wallow in my misery. I fell into extreme depression. EXTREME!

My Mom brought me to see my psychiatrist. He told me that all the medicine.s I normally take are potentially dangerous to the seed in my sacred garden. I was going through hell, but I could not risk the health of my seed. That was my choice not to take medicine (Your choice is valid for you).

I didn’t know what to do. All my usual coping mechanisms were unavailable. I cried a lot softly to myself. I weep almost nightly. Then, I realized I had to use all the tools from my sacred garden. I heard on tv about a woman writing love letters secretly to another woman in the past. EUREKA! I am a woman. I can write love letters to myself. I did affirmations. I forced myself to eat at least once daily. I slept and gently cried when I needed. As a woman, I realized I still deserved and needed pleasure, and I made time when possible for my own pleasure. I listened to music. I smiled through the pain. And, then the morning came. I had a c-section and as soon as Elyse came, I was alive in a way I hadn’t ever remembered being. I am her Mother. I instantly grew. I instantly was reborn. Yes, I gave birth on the day, and she gave birth to me.

Note: Every person is different, and everyone chooses what is right for their body including abortion. Me seeing my pregnancy as a gift is mine. Others not choosing to give birth or choosing to abort is THEIR CHOICE. This writing cannot and will not be used to malign the chooses of other women, trans men and Non-binary afab folks in relationship to reproduction and their own fracking bodies. EVERYONE GETS TO DECIDE WHAT THEY DO WITH THEIR OWN FRACKING GARDEN!!!

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